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Why Do We Look For Problems in Relationship?

Have you ever noticed when things are going REALLY well in a relationship, someone finds a problem to scrutinize and disrupt the yummy moment?

From a more psycho-spiritual standpoint, this would be called “an upper-limit problem”, according to the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks.

It’s like when your container for joy or love is stretching and you can’t manage to hold any more love because it’s so uncomfortable, so you do something to spill the love, so you can feel relief.

In that relief you also get the kinky pleasure of going back to the pain that you know – the “I told you so/it was too good to be true” narrative that can feel like a cozy warm sweater.

From a more mystical/spiritual perspective, this can be looked at as the facing of a particular shadow that only arises when the container is deep enough and the moment is strong enough to hold it.

In allowing it to come forth, it has the opportunity to be held and seen.  It could be a very old wound that within the right circumstances, comes to light.

There are many ways to see and experience a rupture or moment of conflict in a relationship.

It’s too easy to AVOID these moments of discomfort by moving on quickly and not feeling the feelings, but in doing so, we equally avoid the growth.

When these old stories/wounds/shadows and limits arise in me, a part of me always feels like: “YEA!  I get to go home!!“

Meaning I get to reunite with an old me.  With my sweet tender wound.

We name our wounded selves in many of my retreats and programs and in private client sessions… and I’ve mentioned one of my personal faves is “Lana Del Roxo.”  She has big droopy eyes and long fake lashes that she bats with a lowered gaze.  She also has fangs and loves to read existential essays smoking tobacco by candlelight.  Alone.  Very alone.

There isn’t much space for her in the realm of sacred partnership, so like any old friend showing up unannounced – she catches me off guard when she comes…

We can choose to see our wounds and our internal narratives – the ways we shut down and disconnect from our selves and life – with as much creativity and play as we like.

We can also recognize the “upper-limit” we are hitting when they arrive.

Like: “Wow… am I allowed to be this happy?”

And from there we can expand our receiving and our ability to hold the deeper aspects of joy by simply feeling where we want to close or turn away or avoid or check out…

By feeling the pain.

Feeling the grief.

Feeling the anger.

And integrating and exalting these pieces of our old self – not getting rid of them, or killing them off – but giving them a safe space to play in the light.

And then taking a breath and meeting the new space that is created by that depth of feeling and integration.

And then there is more space to receive love, abundance, and all the juice.