As promised, I finally feel called to share about the soul forge I have been in, in my heart. This is a longer read… for your morning tea or coffee. Sipped into your heart… 💕
I first want to note… external and internal transformation and pain and experience are VERY relative and the internal worlds we live are often hard to validate and explain because they are unseen and so personal. But, the role of the writer is to share what cannot be seen and put it into words…
I am a Pisces and this is a big part of my dharma. I bring light and channeling to the unseen worlds into form via language.
I believe feelings and the realms of the soul are so rich and JUST as valid as our external experiences.
And onto sacred partnership and one woman’s very personal/subjective/relative experience… that I must share. Because I’ve searched high and low for books about sacred intimacy that reveal something close to what I feel… and I can’t find many of them! The one I have found, I have read again and again for nearly 20 years! Which is the Magdalen Manuscript.
What strikes me most from this book is not MM’s channeled words, but Judi’s (the author’s) story at the end. I’ve read it so many times and felt less alone in this world and on the path of love.
So I am being called to write more about this life and this experience… the nitty gritty, pain, blood, and guts of walking the path of partnership.
Because no one I know shares those stories (I’ve been looking desperately!). Many share “happy” things and then teachings, but they are removed from the emotion/the heart/the guts…
I personally want to FEEL things and I don’t resonate as much with teachings that feel devoid of the grit and blood of living…
I want stories that sink into my skin…
So bear with me.
I am going to call myself into the revelation of such a thing and it may be messy.
It may take me some time to hone in on the golden nuggets of it all and carve past my own fears and ego trips… but I will prevail, the artist in me will win over trying to look “put together” or like I have answers. Because I DON’T. 😂
But bless the part of me that doesn’t care if the Soul Song I sing sounds “good” but just knows I must sing it fully before I die…
When I called sacred partnership into my life and said: “I’m ready for this!”
I had no idea what I was asking for!
But not really.
I didn’t call in a relationship like I had seen in films or on TV…
I called in sacred partnership.
A place where I could explore my most demonic, crusty, wounded selves for healing…
My wounded, rejected, and abandoned little girl…
My deep sacred wound…
My worst parts…
And my best ones. ✨
I asked for them to be revealed to me – as my practice – for them to be healed, and as I brought awareness and contemplation to habits I have probably brought into human form for lifetimes, all while a Sacred Mirror aka Human saw them with me.
I didn’t ask for a guru like one of the Indian ones you’ve seen.
I asked for a Love that would be my guru.
Which by definition means roughly “brings my shadows to light.”
If you ask me why I prayed for partnership like this, I could say: “Because I am a spiritual overachiever and because I want to be relieved of the internal suffering I experience and I am ready to face whatever must be faced!”
Now, this is not everyone’s deep desire which is wonderful and fine.
Some find awakening on the path of meditation, or other paths.
And someone who calls shadows and wounds forth doesn’t mean they are your therapist, healer, or are responsible for “healing” those selves. More on that later, but it is an important piece!
I feel that each of us must hold our own shadows as they come through to light.
Some people do NOT want their deepest wounds/fears/darkness/neuroses brought to light by a partner.
And that is truly okay!
It is insanely vulnerable to be seen in this way. Most people hide or will never even know these aspects of their shadow. And again, that is okay.
What is true for one, is not true for all.
Everyone’s soul, in my opinion, already has a path chosen, and you simply know because your heart yearns for it.
Mine yearned for this.
None other but this.
LOVE is my ultimate guru.
And as writer Judi Sion says in the Magdalen Manuscript: “This path should come with a warning sign…”
And she continues to note that if you chose relationship as such deep internal soul alchemy you will be heated up to the ***same heat*** as your worst experiences in order to melt them into something new.
And… I have found that to be true, and I am a baby in this process…
Most people would readily run from sacred partnership as a transformational path because there are very few models of it out there, partially because it is sacred and mysterious and very private to most.
In the alchemical/hermetic, buddhist tantra, taoist, and yoga tantra streams of wisdom, teachings are mostly geared towards solo practice – and either the two bodied teachings were so hidden away – kept for very advanced practitioners – or as more men were practitioners at those times, they were often geared towards them on their solo paths.
OR perhaps neo-tantric teachings on sex took over the conversation on the relational field and karma between two humans… I am not really sure and I learn by experience anyway, so here I am.
I don’t want linear/depersonalized/scientific teachings anyway. I want feeling. Juice. Blood. Poetry. Art. Magic of experience and womb-knowing.
I’ve had all my worst traits and habits and patterned responses mirrored again and again and again on this path of partnership and somehow found the courage to not run away… but stare my Own Worst Shit in the face, and after blame and defense, have had the courage to see and take responsibility and use the magic of love, play, passion, eroticism to transform that Ghoul of Me into a Fairy Queen.
I’ve had moments of transcendent beauty,
where none of the stories or past karma feels present,
and GOD is most present like a Gentle Breeze of Complete Timelessness in Love —
In the jungle,
in the desert,
on a mountain top,
my Soul feeling more seen than ever,
my emotions feeling more safe and calm than ever,
my heart feeling more held than ever,
a depth of love like no other…
But the confronting part feels far more intense and memorable than the ecstatic times, because the mind is funny like that.
It often clings to the negative and points out pain and discomfort over beauty and peace and love in its oldest reptilian state that wants to keep you surviving.
And too much fear in the body and the reptilian brain says: “MAYDAY! S.O.S.!”
From the outside if you saw a child with growing pains moaning in pain you would think they were being tortured by a ghost!
Or if you saw water in a pot before it was boiled, it is calm and you can dip your fingers into it, but when it boils, it’s scary, hot, even loud…
Yes, that is me some days on the path of sacred partnership.
Not all the time, but moments where my old selves are at battle with the new burgeoning blossom self at my core and where I am fighting my way out of old patterns of being and thought.
My soul attempts to protect the little rose of new self,
but all the other selves,
and shells and masks,
formed out of reaction to life experience,
nearly trample the Budding Rose Love self
that I had to cover as a little girl because I had to protect her:
My Real Heart.
This Path of Love resonates differently for every Soul. And everyone welcomes in a level of heat and transformation that is part of their own sacred contracts.
In between Soul Fire moments of metamorphosis aka the feeling “oh no I am dying” we rest, we integrate, we laugh, we play, we forget that intensity.
✨We experience deep magic and moments of timelessness and magic that transcends all the stories and pain and suffering. ✨
This is the path I have chosen.
I def could write a book called: Sacred partnership for ambitious souls dying to get out of the wheel of samsara who like deep and fast transformation and expedited karma.
OR: Sacred partnership for strong independent stubborn women raised by single mom/not sure about trusting men/working with deep defenses and reactions to abandonment and rejection and deep daddy issues.
I could go on and on…
But right now, I am simply living it!
At the crux of being a modern woman, in these times with an old soul, who remembers what’s up under the surface…
And facing the gratitude and resistance on the daily.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve done so far this life.
On this path I find I MUST practice with deep deep devotion,
in service of the tiny rosebud heart self.
And I do a lot of softening work,
being with other love-driven beings who are at a phase of prioritizing love over work…
(not good or bad – just my preference for the moment!).
My life is geared towards giving love, opening to love, inspiring love, giving my heart’s gifts of writing and uncovering who I am under the shells… ❤️️
I also support other strong women who have been ambitious and cool and badass and powerful and want to soften into a deeper, softer revelation and STILL give big heart gifts to the world through art, service, creation… it is my deep pleasure.
Thank you so much for being with me here on this journey and letting me share my depths and truth with you…