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Holding Grace in Uncertainty

Hi Loves,

Last week, we skipped a week on my letters to you because our dear dear, my sister, friend, and team member Sabrina had a death in her family.  I love this woman so much.  She is the kindest human I know.  Like the kind of person who oozes selfless compassion, generosity, giving… I am so grateful to have her in my life and heart and have missed even these few days without her close.

Back in February, Sabrina and I were in Mexico City after our amazing retreat “Channeling the Feminine Heart” at Maha Rose in Mazunte.  The week was awesome, but someone on our team got dengue fever and we ended up in the hospital with her.

I was exhausted after holding space for, I think, 20 women all week – a lot of shadow work, trauma release, emotional processing – and even with Jen and Sabrina supporting me, I was just a shell of a human after teaching and leading all week.

By the time we were in the emergency room with our team member, and the doctors were telling me she was in critical condition, and I also had our INITIATION team in town for a pilgrimage to the sacred sites, and I was Mama Bear to all 6 women, and the one who spoke Spanish, and trying to manage everything… I started feeling panic.

Even though I had sat at edges of my being in plant medicine ceremony, there was a dissociation that began to happen, when I just couldn’t hold myself any longer, or the other women.

I hit my edge. 

The “I am a human” edge.

The “I may have a breakdown” edge.

And so, Sabrina came to my rescue (who was holding me all along mind you!).  I sobbed in her arms in the ER waiting room saying: “I can’t be strong anymore.  I can’t, I’m trying…”  I told her I was starting to feel dizzy and dissociated and the dark shadows were creeping into my mind and I couldn’t do it.  I needed someone to lean into.  I couldn’t hold myself and all the women any longer.

Somehow, she brought Grace.  

Grace filled the room.  She took my hand.  Took me to get juice and made me eat a few bites, though I had no hunger.  She breathed with me.

It was a lesson and a breaking point that we were both in together.  Where I felt close to what may have been a legit breakdown, but somehow didn’t fall off that cliff.

It was a moment where time stopped.  We sat in a Mexico City juice bar after that.  Eyes open.  Shot.  Stunned.  Numb.  Exhausted.  And we just were with each other.

It’s hard to describe the love I feel for this woman.

This past week, in the moments of not having her close as she is grieving, I’ve felt her power and immense presence in our communities, and I’ve also felt the love for our Radical Awakenings community, seeing so many members having created healing spaces and platforms over the last 4 years, since we were Moon Club, feeling and seeing women rise, and seeing how I forget at times we hold this space.

I’ve felt the beauty and strength of the women in INITIATION and the pain that we didn’t get the in-person time and intimacy this year because of Covid.

Life is a wild mystery and every day it’s full of pain and pleasure, sunrise and sunset.  I currently have a rash on my leg, a cold sore aka herpes on my lip, and have to move out of my apartment soon.

And this is part of the animal and mystical divine dance of life…

Somehow we sing, we play, we cry, we come together… we just don’t go back to sleep.  Even when times get tough, we commit to awakening.

Loving you all.  Thanks for listening and reading.